Experiencing Grief, Chapter 11

The Invasion of Fear and Anxiety (H. Norman Wright's Experiencing Grief)

I'm back to reading at Chapter 11. At first I didn't think this chapter was going to resonate with me. I don't sense fear about the future as in "what will I do?" For me, it's more will the old routines pre-Mom work for me and if not what will? I do feel some anxiety about not knowing. I'm not at all comfortable about letting the knowing come as it will. At sometimes I feel that my tomorrows may escape me if I'm not planning. At other times I'm completely incapable of conceiving a plan. Both can make me feel anxious. It isn't the fear of going on without Mom that provokes the anxiety but rather the sense of redefining my life.

An idea from this chapter that resonates more is of one loss bringing forward memories of earlier losses. I have a set of 4 others that are somewhat tangled up with grieving Mom's death. Sixteen months before Mom died her sister died. Maybe a year before that another favorite uncle, too. Eight months before Mom died the program I worked in died. Six weeks before Mom died her brother-in-law died. All of these griefs were tamped down and scurried through because Mom still needed me, work still needed me. I didn't understand that I still needed me, too.

The author brings up again, "How do I grieve?" We aren't taught this, it isn't modeled. The intensity of grief is so foreign that I shy away from others' griefs, from my own griefs. I'm working very hard to be present for a friend of mine as she anticipates the loss in the next months to a year of both parents. Other griefs are not so easy to be open to. I pray that someone else will offer the comfort that I cannot today.

The chapter closes by offering the Psalmist as a model for the expression of grief. (Psalm 34:6 and 94:19) I do find solace in God's Word. I'm mildly surprised because before Mom died and for a few months after I couldn't read or hear the Word as it related to grief and comfort. Other topics were and are safe, interesting, and even fascinating.

My seeking of comfort as been purely in prayer until recently. I am reminded constantly of the daily presence of God in my life and throughout my life. I'm taking it as a measure of progress that I can read more and hear more. Yep, still can bring me to a stand still but there is more comfort and peace in my tears. The tears are the same but some are now in gratefulness rather than in grief.

As I'm thinking about this chapter I'm understanding that the fear and grief are a large part of "anticipatory grieving". Mom declined for a long time and I can remember mourning the little losses she went through. Now I'm reminded of Dad and I'm a bit back to "anticipatory grief". He's progressing through dementia and I wonder how long. I'm trying to live in today-where he is-but we'll lose him twice. Once to the dementia and once to death. Those thoughts bring me back to impatience with the process. It hurts and I want it to be finished.


The chapter and my thinking made me think of a choir anthem we did a number of years ago, No More Night, by Walt Harrah:

The timeless theme, earth and heaven will pass away
It's not a dream, God will make all things new that day
Gone is the curse from which I stumbled and fell
Evil is banished to eternal hell

No more night
No more pain
No more tears
Never crying again
And praises to the great I AM
We will live in the light
Of the risen Lamb

See all around, all the nations bow down to see
The only sound is the praises to Christ, our King
Slowly the names from the book are read
I know the king, so there's no need, no need to dread

No more night
No more pain
No more tears
Never crying again
And praises to the great I AM
We will live in the light
Of the risen Lamb

See over there
There's a mansion that's prepared just for me
Where I will live with my savior eternally

And there will be no more night

No more night
No more pain
No more tears
Never crying again
And praises to the great I AM
We will live in the light
Of the risen Lamb

So much better with music. Walt Harrah, songwriter. Word Music LLC Publisher, recorded by various artists.