Sunday, July 26, 2009

When thoughts gel

it makes me cry. Lately I've been thinking that grief and moving forward are not the whole of what's going on with me. It started with a preview of the next couple chapters. Then, I watched a home show about a woman who is stalled. Her family's epiphany was that she had never recovered from the period in her life when her husband had cancer. She was still living with that frenetic energy and couldn't create peace in her home.

Now, I can empathize but realized today that isn't quite what I'm feeling. Low energy, yes. But, I'm not anticipating with any cheer the end of summer break. Usually by now I'm thinking and planning and shopping and, and, and. Thinking about going back to work makes me cry.

It was a hard and traumatic year in practically every way I think about it. But, it's not undoable to go and do that job again. It feels joyless, though, and I hate it that I can't find joy in something about work. Another part of "oh my gosh I won't be ready" is that I may be over-scheduling myself this summer. I'm not unhappy with anything I've been doing or will do but I seem to need so much more recharge time now.

I need to think about what I do that does recharge me. I need to think about what I can do to make work and personal life less draggy.

Another part of this goes back to the woman in the home show. I don't feel "recovered" or "recovering" from the caregiving aspect of life that is now gone. I don't even know if that's the right feel for what isn't happening. I do know it's separate from grief but related.

I don't think this is the whole of what's gelling but I don't suppose things that gel do so quickly.

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