Wednesday, July 15, 2009


This is post number 100. Time flies.

I miss Mom. It's not that I miss the mom who died. The five year old in me misses her mom. I'm sad this week.

And, I'm fearful about losing Dad. At this moment I can't stand the thought of being this sad and going through all this again. I don't know how people who lose both parents in short succession do it. He's already changed and is changing so much.

So here I am. No wonder I'm tired and sleep until 8:30 or 9 every morning. Chapters 12 and 13 talk about guilt, if onlies, and anger. I can't say I've experienced guilt over Mom or any other loved one dying. I have regrets. I'd like to have been present differently for all of them but I don't feel guilty about it. That is how life was at that point. I think I know enough not to live in "if onlies". They don't change anything. They don't help me now. And anger? I haven't touched on any anger but most of the people who have died in the past few years were my "elderlies". Elderly people die. And we're sad.

I can't live in fear and in sadness but I can't deny them either. In true Lori fashion the lesson of the day wrapped up in a hymn. Where can I find happiness and joy and peace? The answer is singing itself in my head. In Thee is Gladness How does the brain do this. How does it pull forward a snatch of melody attached to the perfect words?

That my soul can sing Alleluia when my heart and my voice cannot is something of a miracle to me. Which is bringing other lyrics to mind so I'll not be distracted.

In Thee is gladness, amid all sadness,
Jesus, sunshine of my heart.

By Thee are given the gifts of Heaven,

Thou the true Redeemer art.

Our souls Thou makest, our bonds Thou breakest;

Who trusts Thee surely hath built securely,

And stands forever. Alleluia!

If God be ours, we fear no powers,
Not of earth or sin or death.
God sees and blesses in worst distresses,
And can change them in a breath.
Wherefore the story tell of God’s glory
With heart and voices; all Heaven rejoices,
Singing forever: Alleluia!

text Johann Lindeman, tr. Catherine Winkworth; tune Giovanni Giacomo Gastoldi (for those who like knowing things like that.)

And, my current knitting projects. These are "thank you" to a couple who drove my sister and me to the airport. 2nd photo, still not happy.

Ok, grief stuff, flower photo, and current knitting project: 100!

1 comment:

  1. {{{{{Lori}}}}} I know how difficult it must be for you without you dearest mom in your life. The fear of losing another family member has got to be hard on you as well. I want you to know I'm thinking of you and wishing you the utmost happiness that life has to offer.


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