Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Headaches, hiding, and permission

The headaches have abated somewhat. I realized I may be been adding to them by my fear of the generic meds not working. There is a process to get meds that work approved and I'll pay a higher co-pay but it's better than headaches. Pita, but that's more on my doc's part than mine.

Mostly what I feel like lately is hiding. I don't want to socialize. I want to come home and hide. It may be headache related or maybe I'm having an introversion attack. Don't know.

I do know that Chapter 22 of Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright is titled, "Saying Good-bye." I'm so not there. He recommends writing a letter to express what I've learned from grief, what's been difficult, what my loved one meant to me, and what I think we didn't get to finish. Well, hm, blog anyone? I'm not thinking I need to write Mom a letter to help me work through my grief. I'm more feeling that at this point it's a matter of time.

Also in this chapter are two questions. One is, "Have you given yourself a certain amount of time to grieve?" The other is, "Have you given yourself permission to stop grieving at some point in the future?" Those give me pause for thinking. I don't think I've set a time. I more think as the author advises that an open ended end to grieving is more natural than setting a timeline that may not meet my needs.

On permission to stop grieving...I hadn't really thought about it. I figured that the intensity of grief would gradually decrease, as it has, to the point where the grief is harbored with memory rather than something considered daily, weekly, or monthly.

So, there are two good-byes to get to. One is the good-bye to Mom, the other is to grief. The chapter holds more but I'll have to get read it again before I have much to say. I'm still pondering the two questions rather than the two good-byes.

It was Confirmation at church this weekend (how totally non-traditional of us to not have it on Palm Sunday, Pentecost, or some other spring date!) I missed the service because of a ripping migraine. I thought I'd post Mom and Aunt J's confirmation photo:

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