Feeling Grey

So, maybe not wanting to clean the kitchen, neaten the living room, feeling a bit cranky, and mostly wanting to sleep are related? I don't want to go to work, either, but it's Saturday so I get a reprieve from that.

Pleh.

Things to Do when you don't want to go home

1. Buy new sneakers. Now maybe I won't squeak when I walk.
2. Go to Target to exchange blue jeans. Oops, no receipt in hand. Sit in car deciding if you really want to eat out. No, not really.
3. Put gas in the car. It's gonna need gas anyway, right?

I sure didn't want to go home tonight. I'm glad I did. I arrived home just at sunset and took more photos of blossoms. Yes, more. They were so pretty in the sunset lighting.

Thank goodness my sister called to make sure I went out and saw the Moon and Venus. Pretty. Her call reminded me that it was knitting night! Yay! I could not be at home for a while longer!

I am glad to have gotten out and enjoyed friend's company this evening.

Today's Blossom Photo of the Day:

And the Runner up for Blossom Photo of the Day:

Work, Clouds, and More Blossoms

Work has been intense this week. Boatloads of IEPs due, testing, state testing, report cards, and oh, yes, don't forget your groups-must work with the children!

We've had a marvelous month of cloudy weather. Not as much rain or snow pack as we would like but the rainy season isn't over yet. I took this on the way to work 2/25:

The sweet little apricot blossoms look so
delicate. It is amazing to think from these
come the fruit. I could be surprised
again but I don't think it's going to be
a bumper crop year. I thought I'd do a
hard trim this winter but didn't.
Today's blossom photo:

Spring Blossoms and Lack of Favorite Scriptures

We can't seem to address what to put on Mom's grave marker/headstone. Personally, I don't want to look through the scriptures. I can't find "my" Bible, even though there are another dozen in the house. In spite of this today's memory verse is: "Trust in God with you whole heart and lean not unto your own understanding." Proverbs 3: 5-6 I think the one I really want is Luke 10:27, "And he answering said, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself." Well, if that isn't Mom I'm not sure what would be. A bit too long for the marker. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart" would work.

And now, for those spring blossom photos:

The first apricot bloom of 2009


Today's purple leaf plum blossom picture:

The "popcorn" hat

I made quite a few mistakes but I have the idea of it. Not so sure that a different color would show the "popcorns" any better. The photograph in the booklet had a cream colored at hat. Here it is:

Knitting away a weekend

The shawl is finished! I've been making a shawl for a friend whose mother is undergoing chemo for lung cancer. As both Uncle Hugh and Mom were dying I found comfort in shawls and knitted blankets that had been made by family. I'm hoping that my friend will find the same especially since her mother is so far away.

I'm finally clearing out my requests and "want tos" and getting to my new loom, a gift from my brother. It's a small afghan loom from CindWood. The fabric is finally coming out the bottom of the loom!

Next up, finish the popcorn hat.

Early Morning Blossoms

Changing Perspectives

I've been thinking a lot about being annoyed with the weepies. Maybe I'm doubling my emotional load by adding annoyance or peevedness in with the grief and sadness. I've been trying to be as I was early on in experiencing the grief and sadness, moving through it, and getting on with the task at hand. Not always past the annoyance but trying to let that part of it go.

Car problem turned about to be some wrong sized whatzit post attached to the battery terminals. Fixed by the battery company with a promise of no more problems from this battery! Let's hope so.

I'm joining the Wii club. I bought my "Fit" yesterday at big box store and my "bundled" Wii today at it's cheaper than everyone else store. I'm going to try to get it set up tomorrow. Hopefully my technological ineptness won't stall me. If it does I'm just going across the street and lookin' for a 12 year old.

Those Moments

I don't know about anyone else but I'm getting tired of "those moments". Today it was the car not starting. I went and got a new battery because the car wouldn't start this morning. 10 minutes later I'm stalled at the gas station in a car with zero electrical power. I did get a tow. I am paying for a rental. Bleh. So, that moment? I called the insurance company for the 2nd time to ask about a rental (not covered). After the "No, sorry." I let her know that I'm not carrying mom's car on my insurance any longer. There we go-weepy again. It was all I could do to speak normally and finish the conversation.

I'm not so much liking or coping well with "those moments".

From Snow to Spring in one day.

More normal or just used to it?

It seems like everyday is a little more like it used to be before Mom even came to live with me. Then, the less normal things and places are what do me in. Thinking about the day ahead-not even thinking about missing Mom-just thinking through my day. I'll be at at doorway and get a flash of sadness and tears.

I think my housework aversion is more reaction to Mom being gone than reverting to my old ways. I feel like I need clutter to fill up the space. I do like it better when I clean up so I best just keep after it.

Family Time

I really didn't want to go to the snow and I successfully avoided spending time doing snowy activities but did very much enjoy spending time with family. The new photo is me at Shaver Lake, CA.

We didn't spend time talking about Mom except incidentally and indirectly. That's quite ok. We're happily moving forward with our lives. It is good to be together.

More shared weepies today. Dear friend's mom isn't much better but may be moving in w/her brother and family. The mom of a child in my class died this last week. So sad and has affected my assistant quite a bit. Her own mother, at the age of 82, is fighting lung cancer.

It was a weepy little place for a few minutes. Other assistant is engaged! It is lovely to have happy stories to listen to right now.

Fellowship

A dear friend is now entering that territory we-family have just exited. As she described her mom's condition and her dad's condition I felt all of my emotions just rising. It was all I could do not to cry then and there. Being as we were in the staff lounge I worked hard just to listen and offer my presence. I get the feeling there's a lot of this to come. A positive was that later after I had a chance to get away and back to thinking I was able to call with a bit of advice and information about hospice.

Lackluster

What is it with the fatigue? I was tired before mom died but the fatigue still hovers over me. I'm going to have to look this type of thing up. I was hoping to avoid reading about grief!

Sometimes you get to decide if you want to cry. Today in church the guest speaker is H. Norman Wright. The topic is Caring for the Bereaved. I stayed long enough to sing with the choir and then quietly left as Dr. Wright came up to speak. My dear church family has already preached and lived out this sermon to me and continue to do so. I don't need it in words.

Other times you get ambushed by grief. I figure let it be, let it happen, and then move forward.

Gathering posts from other places:

Jan. 12: Mom passed away this morning. We're living in that curious mix of grief at her loss and joy that she's with her Lord.

Jan. 13: My mom passed away early yesterday morning. We have lots of family and friends together and are living in that curious place of grief at her loss and joy that she is at her final rest and rejoicing with her Lord.

Jan. 14:

Have sis, bro and sil through Sunday, probably younger bro and kids too...

dad and wife came Monday, so sweet and so comforting. Lots of family Saturday. I still have wobbly moments but it's easier. I'm getting lots of calls from church family and many friends, too. Certainly couldn't cry in a cave even if I thought it would help!

Jan. 15: In response to How are you doing? In reference to services: we held off so out of town family didn't have to take time off work. It's not unusual here to have it within days or wait to the end of the week.

I'm doing fine. I have my wobbly moments. We had a service planning meeting this morning and I can't make myself look up scripture references. Makes me cry.

Saturday is going to be the difficult day I think. By Tuesday I'll be back at work and having good distractions. Many friends are making themselves available for visits and activities in the weeks after.

Jan. 18 Posted to friends, Had a post but then my brother needed to figure out which breaker went to the bathroom so he could repair the light switch. Silly me, I didn't even think to save or post what I had. For now, here's how it went this w/end:

It was a lovely service and we had a luncheon with friends and family at the church afterward. Then, family spent the rest of the day at the house and for dinner we went out. I've eaten out twice in the last 2 days. It's something I love but too hard to do when mom was with me.

Today people left one by one and now I get my recharge time.

I've been weepy since Friday with the anticipation of the public grief and mourning time but now I can let that rest a bit and begin to move forward.

I just spoke to my sister and we've decided we feel "raggety". I was "wobbly" before but now I don't feel quite "frayed" but close. lol! Isn't vocabulary marvelous. Friends have been calling, too. I may have to silence all my ringers to get some quiet time. Very heart-warming, though.

Lori

For anyone who likes things like this:

Hymns from the service:
"For All the Saints" (public domain)
"Children of the Heavenly Father" (text, Simon Browne)
"I Love to Tell the Story" (public domain)
"Beautiful Savior" (Fairest Lord Jesus) (public domain)

Requested from the choir:
"On Faith Alone" (Sola Fide) (info not avail)
"Let It Be Said of Us" (Steve Fry)

from the bell choir:
"Blessed" by McKleev

from the organist:
"Variations on What A Friend We Have in Jesus", I'm thinkin' Charlie Orr but not sure. It's not printed in the service bulletin

Jan. 21 In response to another How are you? I get little episodes of "attack grief" where I dissolve for a few minutes. So far not so much at work.

I'm back at work and it's good. I went to bell choir on Monday and vocal choir this evening. Tonight was a bit harder. In some ways I'm closer the bell choir people but the vocal choir loves you harder. It's a group personality thing.

I'm not freaked out by being in my home by myself. I'm remembering all those years before mom and much of being at home is oh, yes, I've missed this. What I don't have is a rhythm of doing chores. I've done the clothing laundry these past few years but have rarely done dishes and most other housework because mom's health aides also did light housekeeping. I'm going to have to relearn homemaking skills and the rhythm of keeping house.

Had a nice chat with a neighbor this evening after choir. She and her husband were the first people we called the morning mom died. They spent and hour and a half with us that morning. Before family left we assembled thank you baskets and tonight was when I connected with one of them to deliver that basket.

I had a bit of fun taking chocolates (Lindt truffles, assorted) to the choir this evening as my thank you for being taken care of so well. One couple are fostering a 7 year old cousin and at the end of choir he took my basket of chocolates in their little decorative bags and made sure that everyone there took some chocolates home. I'm pretty sure he had his thumb on the one that looked the best to him! I had made extra bags and gave "mama" a couple more.

I had a funny moment at work this afternoon. I had an IEP that was pretty short and since I needed to use the printer in the room where we held the meeting I sat down and started my print jobs after the meeting. I glanced at the clock at some point and startled myself with, "oh no! I'm going to be late!" It took a few beats to realize that I was not going to be late and that I could, for the first time this school year, finish what I was working on and then go home. I didn't stay long but realized that I now have more time to focus on work and that, at some point, my actual focus will return.

Feb. 1 I went to even more beautiful Santa Barbara for the weekend. It took me 45 minutes of driving to remember that I didn't have to look in the rear view mirror to check on Mom. I hadn't been, just suddenly occurred to me. It took 2 hours for me to get the mental picture that I was driving MY car not Mom's mobility van and that it was white, not red. Strange the things your brain can do. I thought that 2nd one was pretty funny as there is a huge difference between a mobility tricked out Dodge Caravan and my Saturn ION.

A better chuckle on the way over was watching the traffic and the CHP helicopter. It was partly foggy along the coast between Ventura and SB. There wasn't enough to slow traffic but there was enough that the helicopter couldn't hug the freeway. So, my chuckling was from watching and participating in the traffic. When it was sunny we could all see the CHP helicopter and kept close to the speed limit. As soon as it went up over the hills to avoid the fog we all speeded up to 75 mph. We repeated this 4 times in a matter of 25 minutes. I can't remember thinking a driving situation was so funny in a long time.

I'm doing fine. I'm getting a bit tired of the weepy attacks, they don't happen often but I'm starting to find them annoying. I tend to approach life from a thinking perspective rather than a feeling perspective. I've had enough feeling for a while and would like to set it aside for later! Too bad it doesn't work that way!!!!!

Family is good. Work is manageable.

Mom lived with me for 4 years and 8 months. I'm not sad that she's finally with Jesus but I do get occasionally overwhelmed by my sadness at her death. Today, I found myself crying while folding towels. Who knew?

Erva June Barnett, my mom, went home to Jesus on January 12, 2009. It feels like months but it's only been 3 weeks.